Lately, I have found myself thinking of travel to distant lands, listening to wanderers, and watching the caravans come through longingly, half thinking to leave here. Then I think, how can I leave, when my heart and soul are here in Ireem? Yet my heart is so battered, my spirit so wounded, I do not know how they can recover. Every morning I wake thinking, "Today will be better..." and then such things happen! So many things have gone wrong, I sometimes wonder if it will ever be fixed. For me now there is so much pain, so much hurt... and so lonely...!!! sometimes I think I cannot bear it.
I found such a wonderful sense of purpose when I first came to Ireem and became the royal scribe... there was never anything like that before in my life, it was so wonderful! I never meant to aspire to anything like that, I just wished the peace of citizenship rather than the stress of life as a prey... and anyone who knows me knows I could never be a predator, of course, I just do not have that in me. So I applied for citizenship, and the next thing, I had an appointment with the royal secretary, and then she decided I should be the scribe! I was so pleased and excited, and even more so when it was confirmed after meeting with Sultana. Suddenly, I was no longer alone, I was part of a team that worked together with the Sultana for the good of all Ireem. We had meetings, we discussed policies and made decisions as a team, it was so exciting! And then, in these last few weeks, everyone has faded away. Perhaps they have left to new jobs, new countries, more exciting adventures. For whatever reason, they are gone. Aside from Sultana, I am the only one left now in the palace. And while Sultana rules, she needs counselors and advisors, people around her to assist her in running the country. But there is only me, and I am not the person to advise her! So many things are happening, and the palace should be involved, but how can I bring these problems to Sultana, with no one at her side to advise her? People come to me with problems and expect me to help, but I can only advise, I have no authority to change anything, to do anything. Nor do I want such authority. I am a scribe... not a diplomat, not a politician. While I accept that to run a country such as Ireem, it is needed that there must be someone able and willing to be ruthless, to manipulate and scheme, to do what is needed to keep the balance, the peace... I am not that person! I could never be such a person. I am scribe, and never have I aspired for more. Indeed, it suits me well. But now there is only me, and I have no one to turn to, no one to ask direction or what I should do, when so much responsibility now falls on my shoulders, until I just want to cry out, "I am not the right person for this!!!"
Indeed, I am far too trusting, too gullible, for such responsibility. All Ireem must know this by now. Need leverage against the palace? Oh, go see Lady Elysa. Convince her you are sincere and give her your word of honor, and she’ll trust you completely. Safe passage? Oh sure, just promise it to her, you can always capture her once she’s there. I am so angry, so sick, of being fooled, of being tricked, of believing people when they give me their word! And even worse, I feel like I am STUPID, and I hate to be made to feel stupid, and foolish. I really hate it, more than I can possibly begin to say here. And yet, still I trust, when someone gives me their word. I finally swore I would stop this, that I would cease being naive and gullible and believing in people’s honor. And then last week, one friend gave me his word for safe passage, and because he was a friend, I ...foolishly... trusted, and went into the enemy camp as emissary... and he attempted to take me prisoner. Oh! So angry! I fought my way out of the camp, and swore never to return, never to believe anyone, ever again.
And then there is the healing. I know so little... I am a mere apprentice, and have as yet had no training. My apprenticeship to KCEE had only been approved by Sultana a day or two before she was kidnapped by Damien, and all went on hold during those trying times, of course. But since then, there has been no time for us to begin my studies, and yet people call for me, since they know I am apprentice. But I am apprentice only! Not a healer yet! My skills are limited, and very basic, and pretty much limited to the contents of the first aid kit that Prince Pawlaew gave me upon my apprenticeship. I am frightened when I must go alone to heal someone with terrible wounds, nor can I heal such things as undead poisons. I am alone when I am called, and so unsure of myself... and oh! I care so much when people are injured or hurt! I worry about them, and fret over their health even after they are well. Many, too, come to me with their troubles and problems, and I am so pleased, so honored with their trust! I treasure each and every one who come to me like this. And yet... there is that in me that cries out... who will come to heal ME?
Because, very slowly, day by day, I am dying a little inside.
~Lady Elysa
Well. OMG. I don't even know where to start, but here goes... Two days ago my friend Hailea brought me to her castle in the nearby realm of Anoron, and invited me to stay. She made me a Princess of Anoron, and gave me a wonderful suite in the castle, I was completely amazed! There's a huge fireplace, with a settee and pillows in front of it for cuddling, and a wonderful lounger in an alcove. I brought my library and reading nook with me, that I'd just bought two days earlier, and it fit perfectly along the wall opposite the bed, besides being so perfect for a castle! Besides my reading nook, at the foot of the bed is a cushioned bench for reading. Several people live in the castle, in their own suites, and there is a huge central living room for everyone, and a wonderful bath, and terraces for dancing on the rooftop. And there is a lagoon for swimming and white sand beaches to enjoy. I can do a lot of my palace work, writing scrolls and so forth, as well as my studies for KCEE, here in my reading nook, or downstairs relaxing in one of the huge sofas.
