Well... it is official now

As of Sunday, Jun 14, I am no longer Royal Scribe. It’s not like there was a lot to do on the official end... one staff meeting and a notecard or 2 a week, and the occasional audience, was about it, and I could have *easily* done that as well as my Magi studies. And... hello? The Magi are the learned ones, the ones who read and write and actively seek knowledge. Doesn’t it make *sense* that a Magi might be the scribe? But, apparently, loyalty, efficiency and a willingness to knock myself out for the palace, do indeed only come with the Citizen tag. I gave them *everything* 100%. I CARED, dammit. I tried to hold the palace and hell, even sometimes the whole country, together singlehandedly, because the people whose jobs it were to do that, weren’t freaking *there* ...oh, excuse me... they *were* there in Ireem... running around having fun on their alts. You know, if everyone who was supposed to be palace, would actually be there in the palace and around and about Ireem with their citizen tags and RP’ing and interacting as Palace members, the palace would not *be* the dead place it is. Nor would the "palace" be so completely separate from the rest of the population that not only do most people in Ireem have no clue what goes on in the palace (nothing, anyway), but there is absolutely no interaction between the palace and the rest of the country. I at least, the *only* one of *all* the members of the palace, was out and about, day and night, under *my own* name, interacting with others. I tried so hard. I was careful about my dress, my speech, my behavior, because everything I said and did reflected on the palace. No, I’m not perfect, and I had varying degrees of success in being a credit to the palace, but for God’s sake, at least I *tried!* And I kept my eye on things... I reported, to people who were never there, things I thought they should know, things that were happening outside the pretty palace walls, things that may or may not need action on an official level. In the absence of a harem mistress, I did my best to protect the harem ladies; I payed 1100 dinars out of my own pocket to save a harem lady at auction; I was capped by MasterJ himself trying to protect another harem lady and get her to safety. I really threw myself into the role, and took on the responsibilities, and knocked myself out trying to do what was right and best. You’d think that would have counted for something. But... apparently it didn’t mean anything, in the end.

Lord Kadar told me that they were probably doing me a favor, and I even knew at the time that he was right. There was a lot of stress, too many days I sat crying, too many nights I went to bed crying myself to sleep, or worrying so much about what was happening that sleep was impossible at all. But you know what? Yeah, maybe he’s right. Okay, I know he’s right. But... to know that everything I did, and everything I tried to do, counted for so little, that they could just throw me away like that.

~Lady Elysa

Feeling desperate

Lately, I have found myself thinking of travel to distant lands, listening to wanderers, and watching the caravans come through longingly, half thinking to leave here. Then I think, how can I leave, when my heart and soul are here in Ireem? Yet my heart is so battered, my spirit so wounded, I do not know how they can recover. Every morning I wake thinking, "Today will be better..." and then such things happen! So many things have gone wrong, I sometimes wonder if it will ever be fixed. For me now there is so much pain, so much hurt... and so lonely...!!! sometimes I think I cannot bear it.

I found such a wonderful sense of purpose when I first came to Ireem and became the royal scribe... there was never anything like that before in my life, it was so wonderful! I never meant to aspire to anything like that, I just wished the peace of citizenship rather than the stress of life as a prey... and anyone who knows me knows I could never be a predator, of course, I just do not have that in me. So I applied for citizenship, and the next thing, I had an appointment with the royal secretary, and then she decided I should be the scribe! I was so pleased and excited, and even more so when it was confirmed after meeting with Sultana. Suddenly, I was no longer alone, I was part of a team that worked together with the Sultana for the good of all Ireem. We had meetings, we discussed policies and made decisions as a team, it was so exciting! And then, in these last few weeks, everyone has faded away. Perhaps they have left to new jobs, new countries, more exciting adventures. For whatever reason, they are gone. Aside from Sultana, I am the only one left now in the palace. And while Sultana rules, she needs counselors and advisors, people around her to assist her in running the country. But there is only me, and I am not the person to advise her! So many things are happening, and the palace should be involved, but how can I bring these problems to Sultana, with no one at her side to advise her? People come to me with problems and expect me to help, but I can only advise, I have no authority to change anything, to do anything. Nor do I want such authority. I am a scribe... not a diplomat, not a politician. While I accept that to run a country such as Ireem, it is needed that there must be someone able and willing to be ruthless, to manipulate and scheme, to do what is needed to keep the balance, the peace... I am not that person! I could never be such a person. I am scribe, and never have I aspired for more. Indeed, it suits me well. But now there is only me, and I have no one to turn to, no one to ask direction or what I should do, when so much responsibility now falls on my shoulders, until I just want to cry out, "I am not the right person for this!!!"

Indeed, I am far too trusting, too gullible, for such responsibility. All Ireem must know this by now. Need leverage against the palace? Oh, go see Lady Elysa. Convince her you are sincere and give her your word of honor, and she’ll trust you completely. Safe passage? Oh sure, just promise it to her, you can always capture her once she’s there. I am so angry, so sick, of being fooled, of being tricked, of believing people when they give me their word! And even worse, I feel like I am STUPID, and I hate to be made to feel stupid, and foolish. I really hate it, more than I can possibly begin to say here. And yet, still I trust, when someone gives me their word. I finally swore I would stop this, that I would cease being naive and gullible and believing in people’s honor. And then last week, one friend gave me his word for safe passage, and because he was a friend, I ...foolishly... trusted, and went into the enemy camp as emissary... and he attempted to take me prisoner. Oh! So angry! I fought my way out of the camp, and swore never to return, never to believe anyone, ever again.

And then there is the healing. I know so little... I am a mere apprentice, and have as yet had no training. My apprenticeship to KCEE had only been approved by Sultana a day or two before she was kidnapped by Damien, and all went on hold during those trying times, of course. But since then, there has been no time for us to begin my studies, and yet people call for me, since they know I am apprentice. But I am apprentice only! Not a healer yet! My skills are limited, and very basic, and pretty much limited to the contents of the first aid kit that Prince Pawlaew gave me upon my apprenticeship. I am frightened when I must go alone to heal someone with terrible wounds, nor can I heal such things as undead poisons. I am alone when I am called, and so unsure of myself... and oh! I care so much when people are injured or hurt! I worry about them, and fret over their health even after they are well. Many, too, come to me with their troubles and problems, and I am so pleased, so honored with their trust! I treasure each and every one who come to me like this. And yet... there is that in me that cries out... who will come to heal ME?

Because, very slowly, day by day, I am dying a little inside.

~Lady Elysa

MIrna is home!

I am soooooooooooooo happy and relieved! I don't know who, or how; everyone (knights) had been gathered for a rescue, and I was ready to go in with them again, but so much time passed, and then a slaver showed up, and ...well, to be honest, I gave up in despair. I finally left the area by the slavers camp and was on my way home when I heard the news that she had been rescued. I rushed to the palace, where I was allowed the priviledge of being one of the few people allowed to see her. It was wonderful to know she was free, but even better to actually see her with my own eyes, I am so grateful. She was exhausted and careworn from her ordeal, but the Lady Kerri said she would be fine. I am happy now!

After Mirna lay down to rest, I went on home to do the same, able to sleep peacefullly for the first time in 2 days. I do not want to go through another 2 days like that! (I bet Mirna doesn't either!) When I awoke, I went to the knights' camp for news about the war (or any news, for that matter). I mentioned in passing to the knight Ringo that I wished I knew how to use my sword better. He instantly offered to show me some skills. My pathetic attempts should have made him laugh, but he was very kind, and he took me back to a basic skill I had been unaware of... Mouselook! So instead of swinging my sword, you may in the next few days see me walking circles around the tents in the camp, and walking the parapet. Ringo tells me that next I'll be running along the parapet. Uh-huh. Given my current attempts at walking along it, I venture to say that I'll be running it about, oh, say, the new year ;)

~Lady Elysa~

A busy week in the Palace

Wonderful things are coming to the Palace! This weekend I met with her Highness the Sultana, Lady Mirna and Lady Olivea to debate and plan the exciting changes. I have been drafting a notice to go out kingdom-wide calling for nobles, ambassadors, princes, princesses, foreign royals, and yes! we will be building the harem to entertain all these amazing people! Life in the palace will be as busy and interesting as life out in the desert (tho in a different way, of course).

On a less happy note, my very first friend in the Palace, Lady Mirna, has been captured, along with Lady Jordina, and held by the slavers. I am dreadfully unhappy, but of course there is nothing I can do but wait. I HATE waiting! I wish the knights and djinn would come together and st0rm the camp and free them...and I'd join in, too! Anything but sitting here, waiting and hoping, and crying so much for my friends, and completely helpless to DO anything :(

~A very unhappy Lady Elysa~