outcast

There is no longer a place for me in Ireem, no place where I can belong. Damien does not give up so easily, although why he is so determined to have me, none know. Just for the mischief, I strongly suspect, and yet, he has ruined my life. Well, okay, let me be honest. Part of the blame is mine. I fought him instead of run the first time, because I was afraid for Jordi (who can probably take care of herself far better than I ever could). But all I could think was to try to draw Damien off, or at least distract him. And last night... well... he captured KCEE, then called to me from the combs to come to him for her freedom. It was my choice to go, and I made it. Right or wrong, it's just not in me to walk away, and besides, KCEE is so much more important than I! And I owe her so much, she is wonderful.

So here I am, belonging to Damien and caught between worlds. I cannot be undead... I am a GOOD person! I can't ever hurt anyone, or even be mean (well, unless I get mad, of course!), but it just is not my nature, just as I cannot walk away from someone in trouble. And although I can go into the catacombs now, they are cold and damp and comfortless. I am banned from the palace, which was the joy of my life to be a part of the goings on there. No one is angry with me, nor blame me, but until we know if I am under a spell of Damien's casting, I am not safe to be there, I could be a threat to the Sultana without knowing it. I don't blame them for not wanting to take chances with the Sultana's life, I don't want to take that chance either! But it is hard to be banned, although I still carry on my duties from afar. My other joy was practicing and training with the knights and being welcomed always so kindly. But now I am afraid to go to the knights' camp, for fear they too will feel me a danger and not want me there. And truly, I don't even want to see a knight, because I don't want to look into their faces and see... whatever I would see when they look at me, I am so ashamed.

So I sit on a high hill, and look out over the knights' camp, and the palace, where I used to be welcome and so happy! I don't know what will come to me. I know I can never accept being undead. And I am told that the undead do not keep prisoners. Yet Damien seems determined to own me for some reason. It could be he is just playing with me before killing me. But I feel like I am dying now, of loneliness and grief.

~Lady Elysa~